The other day, River’s babysitter, Kelly, asked me what the biggest challenge is of being a parent. My quick response was, “patience.” The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized there is a lot more that is challenging about being a parent. Yes, it can be very hard to exercise patience while your three-year-old whines about needing something to eat augmented by your six-week-old crying to be fed. It can be hard to be patient when the house gets messier and messier with the combination of your neglect and your child’s creativity. Still, is that the biggest challenge? Is it possible to name a singular “biggest” challenge?

It did get me thinking. I think my biggest concern and fear and joy about being a parent is knowing that my children are my mirrors. I have an opportunity to impart to them the things that make me a great person. I also have the misfortune of passing along my bad habits. I’m forced to stare some of them in the face on a daily basis when I’m either corrected by my child or see them doing something I know they learned from me. There is nothing quite like having your daughter say, “Don’t be mean to Daddy!” when you are arguing. There is nothing quite like realizing that you deserve the timeout you are giving your child. And then there is the fear.

I’m afraid that my kids will learn my eating habits and not their Dad’s. I’m afraid they will spend too much time watching TV and not enough time outside. I’m afraid I don’t spend enough time with them to let them know how very much I love them. Heck, I’m writing this blog post as Hazel coos on the floor behind me. She’s staring at herself in a mirror. And now she’s getting a little fussy. Shouldn’t I be playing with her?

It’s a big reason why this blog has gotten so slow lately. It was hard enough to update regularly when I had one child to chase after. Now that I’m up to two, I feel more mommy guilt than ever. Maybe that’s the biggest challenge of parenting – the guilt.

I’m pretty sure my biggest challenge will change every day as I face new obstacles. For now, I’m just glad to be facing these challenges even if it does make me want to throw up my hands and give it all up some days. Most days, the pure joy of an “I love you, Mom” or a gummy smile is enough for me.

I’ve been terrible about uploading pictures since pretty much the beginning of 2010. We have our great SmugMug account – suttles.smugmug.com – and yet there’s not much to see of late. I’m trying to change that. My sister-in-law, Connie, does an amazing job of writing these updates about their daughter, Erin. She sends them out every month with a link to the appropriate SmugMug gallery. I do not promise such eloquence and consistence. However, I will try to do much better at updating photos.

My first priority is to get May 2010 and June 2010 up to date. Then, I’ll try to go back and play catch up. I may even manage to update River’s blog with some of her recent art work. It’s pretty nifty! She’s been making bugs at her preschool summer camp. We have a caterpillar and a ladybug thus far.

If you want to see what we’ve been up to, check out May & June.

People keep wanting to help me, but I have a hard time taking them up on it. I have multiple offers to take River for a while so I can get some rest. People would take Hazel, too, but she’s not on a predictable schedule. I hate to send her away knowing that at any moment she could decide she’s hungry and I’m the only one that can help. Today, I finally took someone up on the offer and used the time for what it was intended – sleeping.

At first when Garland offered to take the kids to the zoo, I came up with reasons why I should go, too. I wasn’t feeling THAT tired. River might be a handful coming off of her sickness. The weather is beautiful and I want to be outside. Hazel probably won’t let me sleep anyhow. Garland probably doesn’t REALLY want my kid. It’s selfish of me to want to be without River for a while.

Then, I gave in with the idea that I’d join them as soon as I finished feeding Hazel. I really did intend to do just that, but by the time I got home I was beyond exhausted. So I let River go off to the zoo with Garland. That woman wrangled 3 preschoolers plus her baby in a pack. That is some serious grit! Per usual, Hazel wasn’t keen on letting me sleep. She was waking up every little bit to remind me that I shouldn’t be asleep. It was about 2 hours later that she finally crashed, and I managed about 90 minutes of a nap. Thank goodness for patient friends who are willing to take my oldest for longer than an hour or two, or I wouldn’t have managed any nap time.

Even knowing how wonderful that nap felt (with little Miss Hazel snuggled up near me), I know I probably wouldn’t seek someone out for another napping opportunity. And yet, I hope my friends would ask it of me when they are sporting a larger family. Isn’t it funny what a double standard I have? I’ll help you, but don’t help me! Perhaps one day I’ll learn. Probably not, but at least my friends are persistent.

My house is a mess. I don’t really understand where the mess came from. It just sort of sprung up and hasn’t dissipated. Every day, I try to make a little dent in the mess. I organize this stack over here. I move that pile over there. I try to figure out if I can recycle or toss an item. Most of the time, though, I don’t manage more than a reshuffling. The mess is still here.

I know that some of the mess can be attributed to our new addition. There are a few new toys. The diapers are out in full force We have a spot in our front room that has become THE place to change Hazel, which adds a nice big “mess” to the landscape. Our dining room table is covered in birth announcements, thank you cards, a computer, a photo printer, and other things that don’t have a home. It’s amazing how much stuff I’ve removed from this table. It doesn’t feel any cleaner.

UGH! So how do I get this mess to a more manageable level? Well, how do I do it without removing two children from my home? I’m sure I’ll get there eventually once we get into a more stable routine. For now, though, I’m left with a mess that I hope will continue diminishing even if it is in very small doses. I’m embarrassed by my house right now.

We’re almost three weeks into this new baby thing, and I’m wondering what I was thinking. People keep telling me it will get better, but I don’t believe it just yet. Last night, River was waking up every 30-60 minutes sobbing. We have no idea if she was having bad dreams, not feeling well, or just having a generally rough night. She couldn’t tell us, and there wasn’t anything obvious we could see causing a problem. Then, you have Hazel who has settled into an every 2-3 hours routine throughout the night. Doug keeps telling people she sleeps 4-5 hours, and I’m wondering what alternate universe he goes to every night. My boobs tell me that she’s waking up much more frequently, and my lack of coherent thought corroborates this. On top of all of that, I’m battling an annoying throat tickle that has me coughing at inopportune moments. Hazel will be almost asleep in my arms. *COUGH* Wide eyes staring at me in shock. Ugh.

So basically, I’m not getting any sleep at night, and I’m not getting anything done during the day. Things are awesome! At least both of my girls are adorable even if they do make me question my sanity.

Seriously. What was I thinking? Okay, time to go grab as much sleep as I can before Hazel goes on a breast milk bender.